Friday, November 10, 2006
what's up with all these you-know-you're-what-when-you lists
here's the you know ur chinese when you list (the hk list is more fun and accurate)
You eat rice for breakfast. Your friends and everybody else assume you know Kung Fu. You remember or still use "the bowl" for haircuts. Your folk?s kitchen have a constant lingering aroma. You notice the main topic at family get-togethers is food. Your parent?s lifelong ambition is to go to Las Vegas. You never ever sat down on Popo?s warm chair after she got up. You seldom ever owned new clothes if you were a second child. Your folks never speak under 10 decibels at family gatherings. You never made the school football or basketball team. You have two middle initials instead of one. You have an inherent "fear" for bamboo feather dusters. Your "hot" date is going to your parent?s house to have "jook". Your living room sofas have covers on them. You laugh at Kan Tong and Chung King commercials. You inform the ticket clerk that your 13 year old is 12 to avoid paying adult fare. You sneak in snacks at the movie theater. Your grandmother smell like mothballs. You?d bring home a Caucasian friend and "popo" would be cooking something that smelled like it had died a week ago. You were told you all look alike. You know how to pinch someone with your toes. You graduated from UCI or knows of someone who did. You would drive around the block 10 times rather than pay for parking. You have a hard time pronouncing "aluminum" and "lobster claw". You truly believe that your neighbor could use that old sweater rather than throwing it away. You would take that sweater if you were your neighbor. You would stand in line for hours and hours for a free gift whether you needed it or not. You have clothes in your closet that is coming back in style. You?ve seen every Bruce Lee movie. You still have your old slide rule. You never order chop suey or egg foo young. You have a relative or friend who works as a waiter or cook. You prefer your chicken and shrimp served with heads and feet still attached. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table (that?s why you need a vinyl tablecloth). Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles. You buy on sale 100 rolls of toilet paper and store them in a closet or in a vacant room when your adult child moves out. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas when its 50% off. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it. Your stove is covered with tin foil. You have stuff in your freezer since the beginning of time. You have never used your dishwasher. You use your dishwasher as a dish rack. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator. You keep a thermos of hot water available at all times. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. You use grocery bags to hold garbage. You eat all meals in the kitchen. You bring oranges or other produce with you as a gift when you visit peoples homes. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully to save and reuse wrappings and bows. You feel like you?ve won the lottery if you didn?t have to pay tax for an item. You starve yourself all day before going to an all you can eat buffet. You stop dialing 411 information when they started to charge for each call. You only call long distance after 11 PM. You suck on salty preserved seeds for a sore throat. You keep a stash of Li Hing Mui at home. Your eyes resemble dime slots when you laugh. You know what the term "FOB" and "ABC" means. You laugh at Martin Yan?s jokes not because he?s funny. Your parents have a glass jar of preserved limes aging on top of the roof. You own a wok. You know what a "bow" is?and it doesn?t mean to bend over. You never eat fried foods when you?re sick (it creates phlegm and hot air). You would prefer your fish entree staring at you on the dinner table. You never discuss your love life with your parents. Your parents still use a clothes line. You save your old coke bottle glasses even though you?re never going to use them again. You keep most of your money in a savings account. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it. You?ve joined a CD club at least once. You keep used batteries. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics. You?re always late. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don?t eat the last piece of food on the table. You fight over who pays the dinner bill. Your dad thinks he can fix anything. You live with your parents and over 30 years old (and they like it that way). And if you?re married, you live in the apartment next to your parents, or in the same neighborhood. Your parents house is always cold. You beat eggs with chopsticks. You never use measuring cups. You reuse tea bags. You tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more. You never call your parents to say hi. You always cook too much. Your parents always ask you if you?ve eaten, even though it?s midnight. Your parents send money to their relatives in China. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you?re sick. You have a drawer full of used pens, most of which don?t write anymore. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurant. Your parents never go to the movies. You notice at dances, a wall of guys standing together trying to look cool. You iron your own shirts. You play a musical instrument. You don?t own any real Tupperware, only used margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars. You never leave any leftovers on the table in a restaurant. You have it put in boxes or finish it. Your ketchup, mayonnaise, and mustard in the refrigerator are all "Price Club-size". You have an assortment of condiments and utensils from fast food takeouts stuffed in a drawer. You never order for room service. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine, or law. Your parents are never satisfied with your grades. You own a rice cooker. You buy rice in 50 pound sacks. You wash rice 2 to 3 times before you cook it. You steam something on top of your rice while its cooking. You have acquired a taste for bitter melon. You like congee with thousand year old eggs. You always carry a stash of food when you travel like preserved plums, beef jerky, or dried cuttlefish. Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests brought to be courteous. You know what MJ means. You pick your teeth at the dinner table, but you cover your mouth. You have a piano in the living room. You live in an apartment and your parents always want you to come home. You have a rice cooker to check in at the airport when you travel. You grow your own bean sprouts in the kitchen. Your mother made you peel water chestnuts and snow peas. You have an lonely unmarried relative who frequently drops by during dinner time. You received little red envelopes containing money on special occasions. You use the underside of a porcelain bowl to sharpen your knives. You cut your own hair?or had someone in your family do it. Your grandmother has a lot of gold teeth?especially in front. You keep fresh garlic and ginger in the kitchen at all times. You know what the term "lemon" or a "banana" means. You only have to shave every other day (maybe). You tell your friends that you?re starting a new mustache when you really had it for several months. You wash and reuse ziplock bags. You save your children?s halloween candy and give it out the next year. You either love or hate "mooncakes". You know at least three people named Alan Wong. Your parents constantly complain you use too much toilet paper when you go to the bathroom. You hated that black herb medicine that your parents forced you to drink when you were sick. Your parents have kitchen towels made of old cloth rice bags. You never drank milk after eating cherries. You?ve swallowed those tiny "BB?s" with hot tea for a tummy ache. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm. You?ve asked your parent?s help on one math problem and 2 hours later they?re still lecturing. You shop at 99 Ranch Markets. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friend?s kids. You?ve had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest, or library. You?ve had to eat parts of animals that they don?t even put in hotdogs. You have piles of shoes and slippers blocking the entrances to your home. You have no eyelashes! Your idiot friends try to impress you with pathetic imitation languages, like the ever so popular "ching chong woo bok chi"?etc. Your biology lecture on marine life (seaweed, octopii, sea cucumbers, etc.) was last night?s dinner. You have at least one family member who wears black wire or plastic framed glasses. You have several relatives who wear glasses?thick glasses. You like $1.75 movies You like $1.50 movies even more! Your parents never kissed you?your parents never kissed each other. Your friends ask you to translate the scribbles on chopsticks (like you really know what it means!). You call all your parents friends "auntie or uncle". You get nothing if you do well in school, but get in big trouble if you don?t. Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees?you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top. Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow" into them and wear them for years to come. Your family always cheer for the Asian athlete competing (eg. Michael Chang, Michelle Kwan, etc). Your parents or relatives have goldfish swimming in an aquarium. Your first generation relatives have a statue of an obese, bald-headed man surrounded by children. Your parents collect jade jewelry. Your friends from China think anything from the old country is considered "good stuff". You know not to eat the oranges or tangerines arranged in a little pyramid. You always drink tea after a meal. Your dad owns at least one bird. Your parents grow vegetables in a garden. You use doilies to decorate your furniture. Your friends automatically assume you?re good at math. You are good at math!!! (the hell with humility). You know how to pick out the meat in watermelon seeds with your teeth. Your grandmother rapped your knuckles with her chopsticks while reaching food with your fingers.
and the list for Koreans You have a container full of Kim-Chee in your fridge right now. You or your parents start singing when drunk. Your parents are shorter than you. You call a korean older than you "Oppa/Hyung" or "Un Nee/Nuna" Your parents think church is a social event. "No-Rae-Bang" is a common household word. Your main source of income is New Years. Everyone asks if you're Chinese. Your parents think anything goes with rice. "Glue? Use rice, it's better" Your parents have never kissed you. Your parents have never kissed each other. Failing a class means finding a new place to live. Your mom rents korean soap operas and watches them daily. Sleeping on the floor is nothing new to you. Your parents yell your korean name REAL loud in public places. No matter how hard they try, your parents will never pronounce "wood" correctly. You think ramen is the fifth food group. You have to translate for your parents when ordering fast food. Your family owns a dry cleaning place, liquor store, or grocery store. Your mother has a short haired, curly perm. You ask your parents help on your math homework and 2 hours later they're still lecturing you about how they knew it in 4th grade. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry. You've had a bowl haircut in one part in your life. You've had to sit through karaoke videos with ugly asian women attempting to dance in a temple or park. You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hotdogs. Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back, and closet doors. You hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah) every time someone calls you. Your parents insist you marry someone Korean. People see a bunch of scribble on chopsticks and ask you to translate. Your parents simply cut off the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat it anyway, it's good for you." Your parents have either forced you to play the piano, violin, or both. You have rocks, sticks, leaves, deer antlers, and other strange smelling substances for medicine. Your parents read about some super nerd who has no life and got in the paper for scoring highest in the SAT?s and ask why you can't be more like him. When an Asian girl with a white guy (or vice versa) walks by, your parents STARE at them with their eyes popping out. When you go to buffets, your parents make you eat until you think you're going to hurl, and even after you do, they say, "good, eat more." Your parents never participated in the "American" traditions of Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy. You'll say, "Where's Santa Claus?" and they'll reply, "Santa Claus! Ptch! He's dead!" And then you'll start crying. After you're get off the phone with someone from the opposite sex, your parents will start interrogating you about that person (except the last one). You'll talk to someone from the opposite sex two days in a row, and your parents immediately think there's something going on. You bring home straight As, and your parents say, "So? You're supposed to get that!"
then the Japanese list You're obsessed with your hair, your car, and your clothes You want to marry a Korean American or Chinese American woman (males); or you want to marry a white guy (females). You know that Camp doesn't mean a cabin in the woods. Your Issei grandparents had an arranged marriage. One of your relatives was a "picture bride." You have relatives who live in Hawaii. You belong to a Japanese credit union Wherever you live now, you always come home to the Obon festival. The bushes in your front yard are trimmed into balls. You have a kaki tree in the backyard. You have at least one bag of sembei in the house at all times. You have a Japanese doll in a glass case in your living room. You have a nekko cat in your house for good luck. You have large Japanese platters in your china cabinet. You have the family mon and Japanese needlepoint on the wall. You own a multicolored lime green polyester patchwork quilt. Your grandma used to crochet all your blankets, potholders and dishtowels. You check to see if you need to take off your shoes at your friends' houses. When you visit other Japanese, you give or receive a bag of fruits or vegetables. When you visit other Japanese, you know that you should bring omiage. When you leave a Japanese person's house, you take leftover food home on a paper plate or a Styrofoam meat tray. You keep a supply of rubber bands, twist ties, butter and tofu containers in the kitchen. You know that Pat Morita doesn't really speak like Mr. Miyagi. You're mad because Kristi Yamaguchi should have gotten more commercial endorsements than Nancy Kerrigan. When your back is sore, you use Tiger Balm or that flexi-stick with the rubber ball on the end that goes, "katonk," "katonk." After funerals, you go for Chinameshi. After giving koden, you get stamps in the mail. You fight fiercely for the check after dinner. You've hidden money in the pocket of the person who paid for dinner. You don't need to read the instructions on the proper use of hashi. You eat soba on New Year's Eve. You start off the new year with a bowl of ozoni for good luck and the mochi sticks to the roof of your mouth. You pack bento for road trips. Your grandma made the best sushi in town. You cut all your carrots and hot dogs at an angle. You know the virtues of SPAM. You know what it means to eat "footballs." You grew up eating ambrosia, wontons and finger Jell-O at family potlucks. You always use Best Foods mayonnaise and like to mix it with shoyu to dip broccoli. You use the "finger method" to measure the water for your rice cooker. You grew up on rice: bacon fried rice, chili rice, curry rice or red rice. You like to eat rice with your spaghetti. You can't start eating until you have a bowl of rice. Along with salt and pepper, you have a shoyu dispenser at your table. You buy rice 25 pounds at a time and shoyu a gallon at a time. Natto: you either love it or hate it. As a kid, you used to eat Botan rice candy. You have a pet named Chibi or Shiro. Someone you know, owns an Akita or Shiba dog. At school, you had those Hello Kitty pencil boxes and sweet smelling erasers. Milk makes you queasy and alcohol turns your face red. Your dad owns a Member's Only jacket. Someone you know drives an Acura Integra, Honda Accord or Toyota Camry. You used to own one of those miniature zori keychains You have a kaeru frog or good luck charm hanging in your car. Your dentist, doctor and optometrist is Japanese American. Whenever you're with more than three people, it takes an hour to decide where to eat. You've heard your name pronounced a half-dozen different ways. You know that E.O. 9066 isn't a zip code. In the bathroom you have a crocheted toilet paper cover. You know the California Hotel is not located in California. No matter how bad your Japanese is, you still know the words shi-shi and oon-chi. You have, at one time or another, helped fold 1,000 cranes for someone's wedding or anniversary. When you meet another JA, you can be sure you're either related to them or know someone who knows them. You have one of those "always hot" rice cookers in your kitchen. You were told to eat nori so your hair would be black. You say "itadakimasu" before you eat. You know to stop yelling when you hear the word "yakamashii." You compliment a person from Japan on how well they speak English, and they compliment you on how well you speak Japanese, and you both know you're kind of stretching things. You know you don't need a spoon for miso soup. The ultimate Chinese dinner for you includes: seaweed soup, chicken chow mein, chashu, pakkai, shrimp with lobster sauce, almond duck, pea chow yuk and homyu. You know that summer means it's time for somen and shaved ice with azuki beans. Your dad's front lawn is his pride and joy - to the point of obsession.
trapped in the maze of time..8:25 PM