Friday, May 05, 2006
had dinner with a friend that really really does not believe in money, and breaks all the chinese rules that defines a career. deep down there he's more chinese than i am. and i envy his persistence in pursuing his dreams. and reflecting on myself, trying to substantialize what i vaguely remember from what i heard when i was young, that 20 year olds were supposed to be dream chasers.
i think i understand a lil more about the whole sjc "dream", of them wanting to be "romantic" in this money world. even so, i can't stand those people that keep coming back "home". i mean, when you graduate, let go and just leave, but they don't seem to have that determination to quit, and from them i honestly cannot identify a single thing i could look up to... it's not about culture anymore, it's not about what you believe any more. a failure is a failure. i know this sounds really harsh.
2 years of med school has turned me into a bookmachine. my dad questioned why would i get a distinction for pbl if i hate studying so much. that's the thing that he doesn't really know about my personality. i am competitive, whether i like it or not, whether i'm forced to do something or given the freedom to choose. and when i get my arse down and work, i'll make sure that it's not halfhearted (90% of the time).
the friend tonight rang my bell, for what to aim in life. if you ask me that, i really honestly cannot tell you. i grew up realizing too early that there's a huge difference between fantasy and dream. in fact i haven't done enough dreaming before filling out that UCAS form. if i can choose again... i stopped asking that long time ago, i don't wanna whine at a place so many people want to get to. i want to be happy with what i have, but i don't know how. time is never enough, exams are never nice, i can never be in love with exams (can you?), can you still love kfc just as much having somebody pumping chickens down your throat? this is med school. hong kong chinese sweet'n'sour BBQ chapshuay style. i used to like neurology oh yes i did even in 1st year medicine, and now? i'm sick of it, the last thing i want to see on earth is any words with the combination of "ce" (that will include not just anatomical names and diseases, and a lot drugs too) it really gets me rethink how long i want to continue living a life like this. for the rest of my life? (that will make me a neural surgeon), for most of my life? (that will make me a specialist), for some point in my life? (that will make me a GP), for a neglegible period of my life? (that will make me not a doctor). there's no free lunch yes i know that since i was -3. no pain no gain, yes i've heard that spoken in no less than 10 different acccents.
for those who are thinking about getting into med school, i have to warn you that what you have to forgo is more that what you can gain for the rest of your life. if you still wanna do medicine, i suggest you start with a basic science and give yourself a few more years to rethink, if the answer is still a throbbing yes, then go, be my guest. otherwise no, the answer is NO, a big NO.
so life; religion, yes eventually, but that's too vague and there're a billion ways to get there. i honestly don't know what i want to become, i might not even want to be a doctor. right now i just wanna pass med school, get done and be gone, in good standing as my tradition.
trapped in the maze of time..12:26 PM