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and for the umpteenth time...
 
Tuesday, June 01, 2004  
was talking to an old friend today
where has the sam-i-know gone? where has yer good'o words of wisdom gone.
i just refused to show how sentimental i was for a while
good questions

HS is done for me
finito
what's next, crap i dunno. i dun even know where im going. or where i wanna go.
now i start to doubt my choice for medicine (aaaargh again, yes!!)
im not sure if i really wanna put up with the whole 5yr of intensive torture

major stupid dreams have never changed
i still wanna live in tokyo for a yr or 2, wasting my own money (not my parents')
wasting time wasting opportunity
doing woteva heck i dunno mcdonald work? whatever
i still wanna become a flight attendent for say 5 yrs before settling down with my final career
is that medicine-related? better be. guess what? absolutely not. nada.
but thats the whole point
if yer life has to be medicocentric after the course
then i will just quit NOW

traditional chinese thinking kills diversity, discourages experimentation, and requires a smartassnesswannabe-justincaseimgonnadie attitude
if i ever, say, go bankrupt, that's a blunder (getting the right term)
if i ever go sky diving, that's a disrepect to yer parents who indirectly brought u to earth
if i go bungee jumping, i must be oula my mind, i must be ignoring all the potential health hazards, blood clots in brain, stroke and all that
if i ever choose to take a few yrs out, it'll be a total waste of money and waste of days under the sun

what is a sabatical
i need that

heck im too up myself im too uptight with the small issues im facing
whatever
i dun always make the right decisions, but i do enjoy making decisions

there're reasons when ppl hate chinese
we're too narrow minded
and we're too up ourselves thinking that oh we're so not narrowminded
yeah
totally

cuz im not gonna be another bookworm
i might be another random doctor on the planet sticking next to a random sickman in some random hospitals in a random city
but i might have the experiences nobody has ever had
experiences that ppl only dare to dream but not make it real
i will forgo "opportunities" that ppl will choose to take with neruofixation

i might face another blunder this alevel
i dunno what's "doing my best" anymore
but i learnt how to make the most out of the least
maximize the good for the most

straight A's will not barter for a goodnite sleep
failing all yer alevels will not guarantee failure
A's are only images of ink on a piece of compressed fibre; burnable and forgible cheap paper
A's are only the key to more questions and more vulnerability of making bigger "blunders"

dad was commenting saying that i was wasting time on friends that i will most probably not see again for the rest of my life (objective knowledge, no biological offence taken)
he's right
he is
having switched schools so many times, im pretty numb with that
but, why would u make friends on the basis of gee im gonna see them again
why should i be investing and anticipating future returns
for once im not
at least im not like that and u ought to know
because i believe when somebody comes in yer life, there's a reason
and when somebody stays there, there's a season
(i could still vaguely recall the nice email shauni sent me 3? yrs ago stn along those lines? gee shauni girl where are u now btw?)
even if nothing lasts forever
even if one nerve impulse of friendship alters only one quark of me
i'll be cultivating this vast land of no guranteed harvest
i'll give whatever i have
and make fun of the rich dude next door

trapped in the maze of time..5:14 AM


 
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