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and for the umpteenth time...
 
Tuesday, March 19, 2002  
back on my blog. It's too hard to tell, how do I like my life today? Life life life life. All that is sure that I know. When I typed the first letter 'W' in this sentence, I know life is in me. When I typed the period, it is life I have. Tomorrow, no more? Maybe when I'm 90, it'll be no more. so i'm sitting here again. tired. exhasuted. calm. sad. lonely. legs-apart, foot shelved on top my puter bass booster. keyboard on thighs. 2.5 feet away from crt monitor.
Despite the fact that i, like most people, hate waking up in the morning, today was different. The solitary moment of rising from my sleep, and remembering the presence of a dream so clearly embedded in my consciousness, was beautiful. My dream was beautiful; nah, i can't really recall what it's all about for real, but i knew i did dream. I feel almost wiser today, having acquired a deep meaning from what was merely a result of rapid eye movement, scientifically as they say. i'm pretty glad that i've told my sis everything, that kinda took away part of my burden. and that she was so supportive and so understanding. i drifted off into my paradise again.
dan says, "are u going to school today?".
"oh yeah oh yeah"
"then u better get up, it's already 7:00, we have to register at 7:45"
"aight ... whatever"
damn don't wanna go to school today, wanna skive da exam. know i'm gonna hate the paper. know i'm gonna hate the teacher. know i'm gonna hate the subject. i have already regretted the moment i yanked my semi-consious body up the bed. jumped on to my bro's back, streched to get my shirt, clutched my trousors, my tie. rush into the bathroom. closed and locked the door with one movement.
washed my face, gave a good look at myself in da mirror, a yawn and a stretch and a flex. just to remind myself that i'm hot heeheeee anyways, nah, scratch that, that's only boos**t. got changed within 30 seconds, gave another 30 sec on my hair.
opened the door, got back to my room, took the socks, took my bag. wore my watch, grabbed my wallet (jonathan, u listening? it's a wallet) and my WWJD coin poc. went out had my breakfast. yeah, to break my fast, haven't eaten anything for the last 8 hrs.
got into the car, packed up my bags and stuff. sit there. at my fav position, head 20degress to the left. ready to get some more sleep.
i couldn't sleep. dad's enjoying the radio. i just kept gazing mindlessly oula the window. the world's moving, yeah and it's speeding up. but i wanna slow down a bit. here comes a BMW with a mama bitching her kid about his homework. an old lady. an old man with a birdcage. a beggar. an OL, afriad to get fired with 1 second late. an OG, desparate for money, get as much monsy as possible and retire at the age of 40, to get away from this inhumane world of imprefect competition. then i passed empty shops for lease.
"unemployment: 6.8%" rattled thru my ear, that's what on our cover page today. questions, again. what can i do. what will i become when i'm 20. i wanna tall to my future self, i'm looking for solutions; i want to talk to my past self, i'm looking for reconciliation. sometimes when things were gone, they're just gone. and it's useless to curse and stay at where u are forever.
i'm at school again. but my mind is nowhere to be found.

trapped in the maze of time..12:33 AM


 
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